How Surrogacy Impacted My Relationships
You’ve heard of the ripple effect. One action in a body of water creates movement beyond just the initial location. Think of a surrogacy journey in terms of a ripple effect: the journey is more than just something between the surrogate and the intended parents. The surrogate’s immediate family, extended family, friends, and many other people are touched by just one surrogacy journey. Her example leaves an imprint on everyone around her! Here’s how surrogacy impacted my relationships.
First, is my immediate household. My husband, of course, was supportive of my journey and had known since we met that I wanted to someday carry a baby for someone else. I think he felt a little strange at times knowing that it wasn’t our baby, but he still took care of me the same way he did with my other pregnancies. He didn’t really rub my belly or feel for kicks like he did with my kids, but he still acknowledged and celebrated milestones with me. One thing that I think freaked him out was the hormone injections I had to give myself for several weeks. He was shocked that I could do it myself and politely declined my offer to teach him how to do it so he could help me. It’s cool to hear him explain it to his friends or other people who ask about the pregnancy. He recently told me how amazing he thinks that was and that it’s mind-blowing that something like that is even possible. When I started my journey in 2020, my daughters were seven and one. We tried to explain to our youngest what we were doing, but she didn’t understand it at the time. This is an ongoing conversation even now that the baby has been born because we don’t want her to wonder about the baby that I carried that didn’t come home with us. My oldest child had a few questions at the beginning and throughout the journey, but she was happy to help another family have a baby. When the baby was about six weeks old, the baby’s mom and I arranged a playdate at the park. Both girls got to meet her and thought she was just the cutest thing ever. They both enjoy the photo updates that the intended mother sends. I recently overheard my daughter casually mention my surrogacy journey to her friend. I was impressed with the explanation she gave that I had a baby for someone else but that it wasn’t her sister. Surrogacy has become a normal conversation in our house, and I think that has been good for all of us.
Next, my parents and siblings. We are a tight-knit family with everyone living within about 2 hours of each other, so we see each other pretty often. My mom had known for years that I wanted to be a surrogate. When I told her that it was really happening, she said “Yeah, that makes sense” and was supportive. She often helped me administer my injections. Not only was that helpful to me, but I think it was important to her too and was her way of being involved in the journey. Due to unexpected circumstances with the way I went into labor, she ended up being my support person at the hospital during the delivery. I think it was good that she was able to meet and spend time with the intended parents there too. She is amazing! My dad was worried at first but knew that I would be fine emotionally. He said, “You’re just like your mom”, which I took to be a huge compliment! They both checked up on me regularly, treated me the same way they did with my other pregnancies, and often talk about how proud they are of me for it. All my siblings thought it was really cool and asked a lot of questions. As siblings do, they made plenty of jokes at my expense (i.e. comparing me to the size and function of an oven), but they were all sweet about it and wanted to help whenever possible. They all definitely learned a lot about surrogacy and since we know a lot of the same people, would share that knowledge if the pregnancy ever came up. It’s like everyone was sharing their knowledge and bringing awareness.
My extended family, including my grandparents, were surprised but supportive. They were worried about my ability to “give the baby up”, but once I explained that I wouldn’t be giving up the baby and how the embryo transfer happens, they felt better. It really seemed like a concern that stemmed from not understanding how the process works. They also tell me how proud they are. I have a cousin who had a baby via surrogate a couple of years prior to my surrogacy journey. He and his wife gave me insight into how things can be from the perspective of the intended parent(s), which was invaluable. They also got me in contact with their surrogate, who was a friend of theirs prior to the birth of their child, and it was nice to hear about the experience from someone who had previously done it. I talked to the three of them even before being approved by the agency and before the rest of my family knew. My cousin was a good sounding board for concerns about announcing it to the extended family, and he completely understood the apprehension to answer their questions for the next several months. His experience was positive and so was mine. This was a particularly special connection for me because he and I had never been very close before this experience.
My friends had a lot of fun with the pregnancy, and we talk about it all the time. They often ask how I feel about everything now that it’s over. One thing that seems to stand out in their minds is that the embryo was created with the intended mother’s egg rather than mine and that an intended parent is sometimes able to breastfeed despite not being the one who carried the child.
People in my community were/are always surprised to find out that I was a surrogate, and they usually had a lot of questions. This has slowed down quite a bit since the delivery, but every now and then someone I haven’t seen in a while will ask about “my” baby and then I’ll explain that she is doing great, but that I only carried her. I think the surrogacy journey has strengthened my relationships with people in the community because it has opened doors for me to have conversations about it. Even though I don’t push anyone to become a surrogate, I’ve thought that maybe being a relatable person who was also a surrogate could inspire someone. If not, at least talking about surrogacy and infertility raises awareness.
Since everyone’s situation is different with their family and support system, the way surrogacy impacts relationships will be different. Regardless, there will be plenty of positivity and inspiration in someone, even if they’re not close to the surrogate. You’d be surprised how many of your long-lost acquaintances come out of the woodwork to ask about surrogacy!