Addressing Spouse Objections to Surrogacy
Surrogacy isn’t just about the gestational carrier and the IPs, the journey involves everyone in the GC’s family so it’s very important that everyone is on board. Spouse support is key! My spouse and I researched surrogacy for a long time, but that didn’t mean things would go smoothly just because we thoroughly researched and had a plan. We spent a lot of time discussing what could happen during a journey, the good and the bad, and made this outline for others! In the end, we decided surrogacy was worth the risk, and we are so glad we did.
Our concerns:
-Time away from the home and traveling
-Concern for my health
-Bodily autonomy
-Concern about needing a c-section - even though I never had trouble with labor, we wondered with the child not being our genetics we didn’t know what to expect.
-Concern about who would be allowed in the delivery room
-Medications and doing my own injections
How did you resolve those concerns?
-I ended up traveling alone for all appointments, but I ensured the hotel and locations had video capabilities, as well as kept him in the loop during all appointments – we also discussed the agency offering rides to the airport, hotel, and doctor’s office.
-I committed to consistently exercising through the journey besides doctors’ recommendations for bedrest as needed to keep my body as healthy as possible.
-During the match meeting and contract stages, bodily autonomy is addressed. Fortunately, the Agency’s priority is to make sure we match these topics, and everything was very similar!
-Children are born via c-section every day, and becoming educated on that process helped ease our concerns.
-We put a clause in the initial contract that my husband has priority in the delivery room. By this time the IPs and I were comfortable with each other, and they respected my modesty when requested.
-The medication concern was not truly resolved prior to the start of meds, but I will say it was difficult for me only because my side effect was it exhausted me, luckily naps were an option! I did all injections myself (of course the first one I was extremely nervous) and honestly, it’s a very short period that you must do them.
Concerns for another journey:
-My past medication caused complete exhaustion for the first 12-14 weeks- with this we planned accordingly to be on meds and transfer while my kids were in school, and I was able to match their bedtime routine
-Lumps from medication injection sites: solution- Doctor-approved massages, I went 2x a month to a prenatal massage therapist (That I paid from my monthly non-accountable allowance), I also had multiple bean heating pads and an electric heating pad, and my spouse did help massage as well.
-I highly recommend asking for the IP’s embryo and fertility clinic information (how many? Quality? Where are they? Success rates of the clinic?) prior to the match.
What are the pros and cons?
Pros of being a surrogate:
-Helping create or grow a family.
-Expenses completely covered.
-Teaching my kids to help others.
-Helping my family financially with the compensation I made.
-After delivering the baby it was very easy to get 8+ hours of sleep and rest!
Cons of being a surrogate:
-IVF meds did exhaust me, so naps were a must!
-Time away from my family.
-Lots of appointments!
Neutral feelings as a surrogate:
-It was difficult finding my comfortable spot of communication with the Intended Parents, they were a heteronormative couple, and I was cautious of their feelings since they had tried for years and had a rocky past with trying to start their family. It was a huge learning experience for me and I cherish the time I had with them and carrying their child.
Who else is involved?
During the pregnancy as a surrogate, there was not much additional involvement from friends or family outside of my husband. The only time I needed to reach out for support was going to doctors’ appointments and on the day of delivery! I did plan my appointments to be the latest of the day, so my husband was usually home from work on time and if not, I had friends for backup.
How involved was he in the process – outside of the required items?
My husband had no real interest in communicating with the IPs at any point besides his friendly "Hello". In meeting the IPs, I did address that he prefers to be my support person and knows them more as acquaintances. He said his job was to take care of me and make sure my needs are met throughout the journey.
How did he feel about it once the journey was over, and the baby was born?
Being in the delivery room for our first journey, he explained the difference of how our baby’s delivery process was so different - since he was so focused on our children, this time he was focused on me and amazed at the stuff he missed that happened while being with our child. Delivering as a surrogate, he was much more appreciative of what I went through!
What happened when you brought up wanting to be a surrogate again?
My spouse was concerned about the timing of things and the emotional toll they can take. Knowing the process does make the decision easier, but there is still a lot to consider since the journey can have an impact on everyone in your household. I spent less time with my family since I was so tired and needed a lot of naps. My husband had to step up and fill in the gaps. It’s a sacrifice for our entire family, still worth it but something you should consider as a family. As far as timing goes, some IVF clinics may approve transfers within 6-9 months after delivery. I wanted to wait until at least one year before attempting a transfer again and highly recommend giving your body ample time to heal physically and to have any medication injection sites to be back to normal.