I’m interested in becoming a surrogate but I want to better understand who intended parents are. Tell me, who do surrogates help?
Dear Wondering Surrogate:
Great question! Surrogates can help a wide variety of intended parents. Some intended parents are straight married couples. Some intended parents are gay married couples. Some intended parents are unmarried couples. Some intended parents are single people who want to parent a child as a single parent by choice. Some intended parents are Christian; some intended parents are Jewish; some intended parents are Catholic (yes, this is true even though the Catholic church’s official position is against IVF); and some intended parents are not religious. Some intended parents are men, some are women, some are trans, and some are non-binary. (Please note you will ALWAYS know where the sperm and eggs came from as part of the informed consent process).
Some intended parents already have 1 or 2 kids, while others are seeking to have their first child. Some intended parents have previously adopted or been through surrogacy, while others are new to family building with help from someone else. Some intended parents are using donor eggs and some use the intended mother’s own eggs. Most intended parents at Bright Futures Families Surrogacy live in the United States, but some are coming from outside of the country.
Some intended parents are crunchy granola types and some are more conservative in their life choices. Really, intended parents can have so many different viewpoints on the things that are important to a successful surrogacy journey--how many embryos to transfer, whether to terminate a pregnancy for Down Syndrome, whether they are comfortable with a VBAC, and so on. Of course, at Bright Futures Families Surrogacy, we make sure to match surrogates with intended parents who have like viewpoints on these things.
And intended parents turn to surrogacy for many different reasons. Some are single men or gay male couples, so this is their only option to procreate.
Some intended mothers have uterine conditions that make it impossible or unsafe for them to attempt their own pregnancy. For example, some women are born without a uterus--a condition called Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome or MRKH for short (check out this MKRHer’s awesome story about her uterus transplant, which is the other option for women with this condition). Some intended mothers lost their uteruses due to, for example, childbirth complications or cancer. Some intended moms have uterus problems that cannot be fixed by surgery, such as the unicornuate uterus or severe fibroids. Some women have had multiple failed embryo transfers with good-quality embryos, suggesting there is an implantation problem. Some intended mothers have had repeat miscarriages. Some intended moms cannot develop a thick enough uterine lining. These are just a few examples of the type of uterine conditions we see.
Then there are those intended mothers who can become pregnant but cannot do so safely. Perhaps they have a history of hyperemesis gravidarum, which is uncontrollable nausea and vomiting during pregnancy that is potentially fatal if the patient does not respond to medical treatment. Some intended moms are on important medications for their own health, but these medications are not safe for a growing fetus. Many mental health medications can fall into this category. Some intended mothers have cancer that is in remission but pregnancy hormones could cause a recurrence. Some intended mothers have a history of extremely premature birth and don’t want to put another baby through the NICU experience. Some women had serious pregnancy complications such as pre-eclampsia, post-partum hemorrhage, or uterine rupture that could happen again. Again, these are just a few of the reasons a woman may not be able to safely carry a pregnancy.
And, lastly, you may have also heard about social surrogacy, meaning surrogacy for a non-medical reason. The reality is that these types of arrangements are very rare. At The Bright Futures Families group, we scrutinize these cases very carefully to make sure that we are not passing along the risks of pregnancy to a surrogate without a very good reason. Perhaps an intended mother has a career that is not compatible with a safe pregnancy and taking a break from her job (and the income that goes with it) is not a realistic option for her family.
What I want you to always remember is that YOU have the choice of whom YOU want to help. It’s OK to want to help a specific type of intended parent. It’s OK for you to prefer married intended parents, or single intended parents, or gay intended parents, or whatever. Your body, your choice.