Top 10 Tips for a Surrogacy Journey From the Montana Surrogacy Team!
1. Surrogacy research tips, what made you decide surrogacy was right for you?
I knew from a young age, due to my sister’s health concerns, that I may want to be a surrogate. After having my own children and it being fairly easy, why not. My sister and her husband decided surrogacy was not in their cards. A college friend posted on Facebook, after a loss, they were now needing a surrogate. I reached out and now the little girl is happily with her mom and dad. -Amanda
I wanted to do something so big for someone else that they could never repay me because I was not looking for gratification. I also watched a show on TV about surrogacy and thought that was so cool, so I researched it and ask questions to agencies. -Callie
I was an independent surrogate twice. The first time was for friends of mine whose wife couldn’t carry due to lupus and although I didn’t think I would qualify for surrogacy due to the secondary infertility I experienced, I was able to carry twins for them. During that first surrogacy I learned and researched as much as possible. I was hired by a law office to assist in their new matching program. After 3 years there I decided to open my own agency. By this time, I had a lot of professional contacts and was able to educate myself via conferences, workshops, and seminars. I became a surrogate the second time for a gay couple and gave birth to twins again. Each surrogacy arrangement was a unique experience with its own challenges. Each time I learned more about the surrogacy process. There are a lot more resources available now. The internet is helpful to answer the basic questions but talking with an agency (owner or caseworker) can answer your questions that are unique to you and your family. -Sharon
I had already been working in the fertility field for 9 years when I decided to move forward with my first surrogacy. I had the advantage of seeing first hand all the ups and downs and learned so much from taking care of patients going through the process…I learned by taking the journey with them. -Crystal
2. Match Meeting Tips:
Just be you. They may love you and they may not, either way is what is meant to be. Being yourself and putting it all out there will establish that connection and bond right away. It is always best to start out open and honest, in order to continue that throughout the process. – Amanda
This isn’t a quiz you have to pass! Rather, it’s all about finding the right fit for you. So, relax and be yourself so the IPs can get to know you, and you get to know them. -Catherine
Super scary not going to lie, I felt judge at every move I made. The IP feel the same way, so better off just to be you and if they love you, they love you and if they don’t then they are not the right fit for you. Not be scared to say no, there are other fish in the sea! -Callie
Lean on your agency through the match meeting; they’ve done this before!! While you should definitely have your own list of questions you want answered, the agency is going to be a great resource for helping you through the meeting and making sure no one forgets to ask the hard questions (also, they’ll fill in those awkward silences!). If you have questions you might be embarrassed to ask yourself talk to the agency and have them ask for you. It’s a great way to get the answers you want but not feel awkward about asking questions that might seem strange or you just don’t know how to bring up. – Jenn
Remember that you are all human and it’s natural to be anxious. Prepare a list of any questions that you may have. Also, have photos of your family and your home. Even photos of a recent trip or holiday would be nice to share with your Ips. It’s common to meet over a meal like dinner (pre-covid) or on a video call. Try and have someone else entertaining the children in order for you to completely focus on your meeting. After your meeting take some time to talk it over with your partner/spouse and make sure you don’t have any lingering questions. If you do, then contact your agency and get those questions answered before your final decision. -Sharon
Just remember that everyone is nervous…it’s not just you. You are all in this experience together! Let the agency guide you through the questions and just be as honest as possible. If the match is right you will feel it. -Crystal
3. Help through medication side effects; headaches, nausea, fatigue…:
Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your support system. This could include the clinic or your OB about medication and safe ways to manage side effect. Remember most of these are for a short time and totally worth the end goal. - Amanda
Ask for some help and ask other women what they did, even though it might not work for you at least you tried something to help. I hated ginger, but peppermint helped me so much. I was feeling so sick and a laying on the floor and a nurse waved some peppermint in my face and I felt better right away, but sometimes nothing helped me, and I would just throw up and move along my day and counted down the 40 weeks. I also drank lots of water to help me through the day with energy. -Callie
There always seems to be some kind of side effects, but it really depends on the person. You can expect to be moody or have hot flashes and during pregnancy, nausea. I recommend asking medical professionals first if you are having a hard time and the side effects are more then you bargained for. Sometimes medications can be switched out or something can be added to make you more comfortable. Just keep your mind on the reason you are a surrogate! The reward is greater than any discomfort. -Sharon
Always remember that it is temporary! I found that massaging my injection site after the PIO would really help with the knotting. I was also lucky enough to have my husband give me most of my injections so I was able to lay on my side and I found that very helpful. -Crystal
4. Embryo Transfer Tips:
Don’t make the mistake I made of drinking seltzer water! The nurse said the bubbles can show up on the ultrasound. Stick with plain tap or bottled water. -Catherine
You can go to the bathroom right after, the embryo won’t fall out ;-). The specula, we all know about that, and having to pee with the pressure of the ultrasound are the worst parts. This process is fairly quick, and you will be done before you know it. - Amanda
Easiest part of surrogacy, just suck you have to pee, but enjoy this moment because you prepare so much to get to this point and it goes by so fast -Callie
If your RE uses ultrasound technology for his/her embryo transfers, then drinking enough water is very important! There are other techniques that don’t require ultrasounds so just follow your clinic’s orders. Rarely are you required to have bed rest after the transfer but it’s always a good idea to plan on taking it easy. -Sharon
Embryo transfer is such an exciting day! It doesn’t even hurt, so you can just lay back and enjoy getting knocked up! Expect for the full bladder part…that’s no fun.-Crystal
5. Tips for waiting to find out if you are pregnant:
Plan a distraction. These 10ish days will seem like forever and a home test may help that anxiety. Honestly, just breathe, be positive and enjoy the quiet moment before the next steps. – Amanda
Waiting? Hahaha. I started testing the day after my embryo transfers. I’m not good with patiently waiting. Just remember that if you do test at home and it’s negative, don’t stop your meds!! I’ve known more than one person with negative home pregnancy tests who was actually pregnant with a viable baby. The only test that counts is the one done by your doctor’s office! -Catherine
The “two weeks wait” can be really long if you are not planning for it. Arrange a weekend get away with family or concentrate on activities you might not be able to do when you are really large with your pregnancy. I don’t recommend taking home pregnancy tests during the first week. False negatives can bring you down. Just keep in mind that the intended parents are also on pins and needles and waiting to test is usually best! -Sharon
This part is agony! I would rather have 5 PIO injections at once then endure the waiting. Keep yourself busy and nap a lot if you can, sleep passes the time. -Crystal
KEEP your mind busy! -Callie
6. Getting through the hard times; who should I complain to?
Agency, Social worker, counselor, friends just not the intended parents. It is ok to let them know how you are feeling but that could be a touchy subject for them, even wishing they could personally experience these hard times. –Amanda
Case Manager, Intake Coordinator, and spouse and friends. Ask your case manager for other surrogates to reach out to-Callie
There are times when you might feel like you are in over your head, being micro-managed, or just feel the need to vent. Instead of holding these feelings in its best to discuss them with your case manager. Sometimes issues are magnified by medication or pregnancy hormones and it’s nice to have someone with experience to talk with. -Sharon
7. Tips for a Failed Embryo Transfer or Miscarriage:
After every failed transfer in my own family building journey, I always focused on next steps. “What could I do right away to prepare for the next cycle?” was always on my mind and allowed me to keep going.
It’s ok to allow yourself to grieve a loss. Even as a gestational carrier you have so much emotion invested for your intended parents that you feel their loss deeply, too. Reach out to your support network; your agency case manager, agency social worker, your intake coordinator, friends and family. – Jenn
My very first transfer failed due to poor embryo quality but there are many other reasons why a transfer can fail. The important thing is not to blame yourself. Sometimes the clinic will change or tweak your medications before your next transfer. Take the time between IVF rounds to relax and prepare. After my 2nd transfer, I gave birth to twins for my Ips. Keeping a positive attitude is the best advice I can give. -Sharon
8. Tips on how to stay in touch with Intended Parents throughout the pregnancy:
We used an app, Tiny beans, that the IPs, their family and us used to share pictures, and milestones without having to broadcast on social media. We still use that app years later. – Amanda
Be open with them ask them questions and give them suggestions what helped you as a new parent. - Callie
All of my Intended Parents lived in other states. We used e-mail and phone calls to keep in touch. Also, snail mail for packages on special occasions. I agreed to give birth in their states, but I don’t recommend that now. It was very hard on my own family to be away for weeks at a time. -Sharon
9. Birth tips! What did you bring to the birth? What do you wish you would have brought or done differently?
Slip on shoes – not just flip flops. Phone charger/battery pack, since a plug my not be that close to you in bed. Journal or record on your phone your thoughts and feelings. – Amanda
I’m surprised no one else has mentioned soft cotton granny panties. If you end up having a c-section like I did, you don’t want your undies rubbing up against your stitches/staples. -Catherine
Comfy stuff! -Callie
Bring some favorite individual snacks (even if you package them yourself in smaller portions.). While food in some hospital food is reasonable (and some is definitely not!) it comes on its own schedule. You’re going to want something on hand that you enjoy eating – especially now with COVID and a lesser chance of people being able to bring you outside yummy food after the birth! – Jenn
Packing for the birth really is the same as when you pack for when you delivered your own children with one or two exceptions. Make sure you pack your surrogacy contract just in case there are any questions from the social worker or hospital staff. If you have a gift for the baby or the Ips you could bring that as well. Otherwise, bring your favorite products, PJs and entertainment. Don’t forget to bring a list of numbers of people you want to call. Put your Ips and your agency at the top of that list! -Sharon
10. How to prepare for a postpartum period without a baby:
Relax, and enjoy the time. You are still recovering from childbirth. Reach out if you need help. Do the things for yourself that you did not have the time for or couldn’t do when you had a baby to care for. – Amanda
Enjoy not bringing a baby home that needs 24/7 care and get some sleep. Plan a trip with your family because it’s all about you for 9 months even more and you will no longer be the center of attention, so get some good quality time with family -Callie
Rest, rest, rest! It’s easy to say and hard to do. Take time for self-care and don’t be afraid to advocate for the time and things you need to feel rested and refreshed afterwards. Your body has been working hard for 10 months – give it a lovely break and rest! Need to talk? Your case manager loves hearing birth stories, and we don’t mind if you want to relive it to us 25 or more times. We love hearing it, too! – Jenn
Preparing for a surrogate birth is different due to the fact that you won’t be bringing baby home but you still want to be ready so you can relax and recover. You can cook some of your favorite meals ahead of time and freeze or have menus ready for takeout. Arrange for a cleaning crew to come in a couple of times during the next 6 to 8 weeks so that you can concentrate on your own recovery. This is a time to reconnect with your own children without thinking of a pregnancy or going to appointments. I personally loved the fact that I could sleep through the night for a change! I also planned a family trip for after I knew I would be fully recovered. Remember that your Intended Parents are learning first-hand about parenthood and are not going to be as focused on you. Slowly you’ll get back to your normal life. They have you to thank for making their dream come true! -Sharon